In what could be the world’s shortest Jihad, radicalized Dudeist cleric G-Money declares an end to religious Fatwah, seven minutes after announcing a Dudeist Jihad. While leaving the bowling alley, and a bit buzzed on oat-sodas, the Dudeist priest overheard a news report about religious groups being described as radicals engaged in Jihad. Witnesses report hearing G-Money respond with a slurred “far out!” Later that evening back at his bungalow, and sometimes church offices, Reverend G-Money got on Facebook to declare his radicalization and announce a Dudeist Jihad. However it was only a mere seven minutes until he went back to Facebook to declare an end to his holy war.
We caught up with Reverend G-Money at a local In-N-Out Burger to ask him why he launched his Jihad, and why it ended so quickly.
TLM: Why declare a Dudeist Jihad?
Rev. G-Money: The tv behind the bar had the news on, and the guy at the desk said that the Jihadists were radicalized, and I thought wow man, that’s tubular. I said shit, I’m fucking radical too, I’ve even done a 360 Olli an everything. So I thought, hell, why not have a fucking Dudeist Jihad. Other religions seem to be doing it.
TLM: Did you make any plans, how were you going to conduct your Jihad?
Rev. G-Money: Well the first thing I did was to limber up with a J, and google what a Jihad is. I mean the word starts with a J, so I figured maybe that’s where my Jihad should start too.
TLM: So you began a Jihad not knowing what that meant?
Rev. G-Money: Well, yeah man, but I was pretty drunk. Plus I am always looking for new ways to be a Dudeist cleric. I’ve heard, in passing, of other clerics declaring Jihad, so I thought maybe I should too.
TLM: You had no idea what a Jihad was?
Rev. G-Money: I thought it was a big party or something, like the Christians have Christmas, and that can be fun sometimes. So I thought religious folks are supposed to be fun and caring an shit, so it must be some sort of party or charity or something cool like that.
TLM: What happened once you had Googled Jihad?
Rev. G-Money: That’s when it became a serious bummer man. I was sitting there doing my J, making party plans, and the Google told me some horrid shit about Jihads. For a minute things were cool, but I misread the word bombs for bongs, once I realized they were not talking about bongs I started to get really bummed out.
TLM: Is that when you decide to announce an end to your Dudeist Jihad?
Rev. G-Money: Yeah man! That shit is whacked. C’mon, blowing people up because they don’t agree with you is some seriously uptight thinking. Not to mention I’m a fucking pacifist man, that kind of aggression will not stand! I was only looking for a few laughs, not to pee on anybody’s rug.
TLM: How would you describe your experience with Jihad?
Rev. G-Money: Totally fucked up. The more I read, the more uncool it became. In the end the idea of living with so much hate, and trying to pee on everyone else’s rug seemed, well, too exhausting man.
Reverend G-Money’s Jihad may have ended in the gutter, but we hope he throws strikes in his next league game.